"The Unnecessary Father" - 1947
是的，又是我这个有家庭负担而不尽责任的父亲。 我曾努力过，现在还是希望着事业的成功，使家庭融合一点，快乐一点。 然而家中的人离我日远，我渐渐觉得是一个多余的偶像了。
我讨厌回去那一房一听一厨房的住宅去。 如果不是挂着做父亲的名目，我真愿卧在砵士茂花园的櫈上等候天明。 许多次我曾鼓起勇气离开这个埠，但是到底离不开这里热闹的生活和兄弟朋友。
夜深了，很深了，我抱着盗贼的心情回家去，希望在众人不觉中爬上床去睡一觉。 当我推开下等柏文楼内边的大门时，望见自己的房子门上窗还透露着灯光，不由起了后退的念头。 终于在犹豫一会后，坚决地咬着下唇继续前进。
门钥匙已在我的手中，没有错误地给我迅速地打开了。 妻抬头一望—— 一个不愉快的面孔，我当堂冷了一截，比童子犯了过失回来还要难过。 我低声地打招呼：
“妈妈。”
妻照例不回答，就低下头继续㷉衣服，这举动是我所盼望的——经验从来不曾使我失望。
我换上睡衣，就坐在靠近电灯的椅子上准备看报。 妻在我的左旁㷉着大堆衣服，亦已将近完成了，㷉斗和承铁不时发出相掽的声音。
”已经很夜了，还是去睡吧，明天㷉完也好的。” 我对于自己的好心肠也无所感动，尤如劝一个和病痛挣扎的人去休息一样。
“就了。” 妻疲倦地回答。 过了好一会自言自语地说： “要是有钱，就可以送去洗衣馆呢。”
我觉得全身的血液都升上我的面部。 妻从来不怨天尤人，也不怪责我每次和别人合伙做生意都亏了本。 但是妻从不给我温柔点的说话，每一句说出来的都好像装满了不能发泄的牢骚。 我偷眼去看妻，她底凌乱的头发，不称身不合时的衣服，自制的围裙和补过的袜，我的心顿时软了下来。 她为我而牛马劳作了八个年头。 早知如此，九年前还是不把她召来美国的好。
我故意大声地翻报纸来冲破房子的沉寂。
“台面放有八十元。 明天你去银行买昃寄返唐山——年关迫了。”
“唔。” 我用鼻声答应了。
“要记着才好。 家中的人要等银过年的啊。”
“得了。” 我对于妻的叮咛有点不耐烦起来。
“咁我就写信了。”
“你写吗写囉。” 我的回答还是不经意的。
妻十分疲倦地进入睡房了。 我静听她上床的响声。 床上的两个儿子早就睡了。 我不能再专心去看报纸，想起过去的困苦的家境来，妻的努力似乎也不能有什么改善，而两个儿子的费用也渐增加起来。 记得妻来告诉我要出外 “车衣” 的时候，我只用鼻子 “唔” 的一声，好像说是知道了，也好像说是准许了。 我知道妻一定已找到了工作才来问我的意见的。 我有什么话可说呢？ 我难道阻止她去做工吗？ 持的是什么理由呢？
我无法安睡，七时左右我听到妻跟着儿子下床的声音，我紧闭眼睛装着睡态。 不久浣衣的声音响起来，无论我怎样努力也无法再睡了，但是我还卧在床上，不愿起来。 我希望儿子们出外去玩，等妻上天棚晒衣时才乘机下床。 于是我静待着，受着有节奏的浣衣声折磨。
“妈妈，你也替我们叫爸爸和我们去金门公园玩。” 两个儿子不停地向妻哀求。
“乖乖的去读书，或者我会依从你们。” 妻的声音是喜悦的。
儿子们果然温习起来，读书声和着浣衣声。 我望着天花板，时间很缓慢地爬着。
我终于走出睡房已经将近十一点，儿子们擦着我的皮鞋，出尽了他们的九牛二虎之力，来哀求我带他们去游玩。 妻在厨房中煮饭。
“去什么，在家好了。” 我撴起了父亲的尊严命令地说。 我怎能带这两个焗坏了豆沙饱一同出外呢。 他们的头发是妻亲自剪的，他们的衣服是妻缝的—— 男人是爱点光荣的。
妻以哀愁的眼光看着我。 我知道她要说的是什么，然而我却装出若无其事的样子取了帽子准备出外了。
“煑了你的饭了。” 妻从后面呼唤。
“不食了，有事情要办。”
我已出了门槛，妻的呼声紧追过了： “记着今天去汇银啊。”
半小时后，我抱着一大袋苹果走上肥仔良的家。 屋子里四个活泼的儿子高兴起叫着； “炳辉叔来了。” 肥仔良和她的妻及两个妹子都高兴地出来欢迎我。 我把菓子交给儿子们，他们都很有礼貌地答谢我。
又一小时后，我们一起九个人在面对海狗山的菜馆里，好不热闹，人人都高兴，都欢笑，我愉快地表现自己一向对这家人的阔绰： “大家尽管落力地吃，来这个地方的目的是要化钱的，食得我就欢喜了。”
出了菜馆后，我又接受了许多答谢之声。 天是蓝的，太阳是光辉的，自然是美丽的。 我想：“寄回唐山那笔钱迟几天寄也是不要紧的吧。”
It’s true. I am that father with a family burden but fails to fulfill my responsibility. I have attempted my efforts, and I am still hoping the success of my business will make the family more harmonious and happier. But my family members have turned distanced from me by the day, and I gradually become an unnecessary figure.
I hate to return to this residence consisting of one living room, one bedroom, and one kitchen. If it was not for this nominal title of father, I really rather lie on the bench in Portsmouth Square and wait till dawn. I had many times worked up my courage to leave this town, but in the end, I just couldn’t get away from the excitement here as well as my fraternal brothers and friends.
The night is late, very late. I carry the mind of a thief returning home, hoping to climb in bed and sleep amidst everyone’s unawareness. When I open the inner door of the cheap apartment and see the shining light that is still lit through the window of my room, I can’t help thinking of retreat. After a pause I firmly bite on my lower lip and continue marching onward.
The key in my hand makes no mistake nor difficulty and swiftly opens the door for me. Wife raises her head to look – an unpleasant face. Instantly I get the chill, feeling worse than a kid returning home after committing a bad deed. I greet in a low voice:
“Mommy.”
Wife as usual does not respond and simply lowering her head and continuing ironing. This is the reaction I had wished for —— experience has never disappointed me.
I change into my pajamas and sit on the chair near the light, preparing to read the newspaper. Wife on my left is ironing a big pile of clothes that are almost done. The iron and the metal stand occasionally make banging noises against the other.
“It’s very late now. Better go to sleep. It is just as well to finish ironing tomorrow.” I, too, am not moved by my own kind-hearted suggestion, just like urging a sick person struggling in pain to go to rest. “Almost done,” Wife wearily answers. After quite a while, she talks to herself, “If we have money we could send them to the laundry.”
I feel all the blood in my body has risen to my face. Wife never resents anything or anyone. She never blames me for going into business with others and always lose my capital. But she never gives me a softer voice. Every sentence coming out is all full of unreleased grievances. I stealthily glance at her – her messy hair, unfitting and out of style clothing, self-made apron and altered socks. My heart suddenly softens. She has been toiling for me like a draft animal for eight years. Had I known it to be like this, it would have been better that I didn’t bring her to America nine years ago.
I flip the paper loudly with the intention to break the silence in the room.
“There are eighty dollars on the table. Tomorrow, go to the bank and buy a check to send back to Tangshan – the end of the year is quickly approaching.”
“Nm,” I reply in a nasal voice.
“Make sure you remember. Our family is waiting for the money to get by the New Year.” “Alright!” I’ve gotten annoyed with Wife’s continuous urging.
“Then I will write the letter.”
“Write if you want to write.” My response remains in an inadvertent way.
Wife has gone into the bedroom in utter exhaustion. I quietly listen to the sound of her getting into bed. The two sons in the bed had long fallen asleep. I no longer can concentrate on reading the paper, recalling the difficulty of the family situation in the past. Wife’s efforts don’t seem to make any improvement, and the expenses of the two sons are gradually increasing. I remember when she told me she is going to get a seamstress job, I just replied “Nm” through my nose as a way to acknowledge it and also like a way to approve it. I know Wife must have already found the job before she came and asked me. What could I say? How could I stop her from going to work? What reason do I have?
I cannot sleep well. I hear the sound of Wife and sons getting up around seven. I closely shut my eyes pretending I am sound asleep. Just a while later, sounds of clothes-washing are heard. I can no longer sleep regardless of how hard I try, but I still lie in bed and don't want to get up. I hope sons will go out to play, and I will take the chance to get out of bed when Wife goes up to the roof to hang clothes. So I wait on, while being tortured by the rhythmic sound of clothes-washing.
“Mommy, you also help us ask daddy to take us out to play at the Golden Gate Park.” The two sons ceaselessly beg Wife. “Behave and study well and I may agree.” Wife‘s sound is joyful.
Both sons sure enough begin studying and the sound of their reading harmonizes with the clothes-washing sounds. I stare at the ceiling as time slowly crawls by.
It is almost eleven when I finally get out of the bedroom. Sons are shining my shoes with all their might as a way to beg me to take them out to play. Wife is cooking in the kitchen.
“Why go out? It’s better to stay home.” I put up the dignity of a father with such an order. How can I go out with these two overbaked mung-bean buns? Their hair is personally cut by Wife. Their clothes are sewn by Wife – A man does love a little pride.
Wife looks at me with her sorrowful eyes. I know what she wants to say, but I pretend nothing is happening and take my hat preparing to go out.
“I have cooked your meal,” Wife calls from behind.
“I won’t be eating. I have business to deal with.”
I have crossed over the door threshold as Wife‘s calling chases after me. “Remember to go send money today.” Half an hour later, I carry a big bag of apples to Fat Boy Leong’s home. Four energetic boys in the house happily call out, “Uncle Bing Fai is here.” Fat Boy Liang, his wife, and two of her sisters all joyfully come out and welcome me. I hand over the apples to the sons, and they all very politely thank me.
Another hour later, nine of us are in a restaurant across from Seal Rock. All so exuberant; everyone is happy and laughing. I pleasantly show off my usual lavish style to this family. “Everyone, eat all your might. The purpose of coming to this place is to spend money. I will be happy when you all can eat well.”
After coming out of the restaurant, I received many words of thanks again. The sky is blue. The sun is brilliant. Nature is beautiful. I am thinking: “The money for sending back to Tangshan shouldn’t matter to be sent with a delay of a few days.”