"Going Abroad" - 1944
“海叔已经把船位买好了。” 年近五十的琴用低沉的声音向着她的儿子说， “星期一船就开身。 。 。 好在得到海叔的帮忙。”
“唔。 。 。 。” 浪无表情地看了他母亲一眼，从新把头转向下面街去。 这时他们两人正倚在亚洲酒店的骑楼——五楼清静得很。 街下的嘈杂声传不上这里来。 假使是一室内，没有间断地送来一些麻将天九的声音，那简直是像荒野深夜一般的萧条了。
“算便宜了，” 琴见儿子不回答她，便继续说下去，“要化了九十块钱的茶费， 海叔实在太好了。 他没有什么特别的要求，大概也知道我们的艰难，而且又是自己人。 不过那些佣钱，他是照规矩应得的。 。。。还感谢得到他这样热心地帮忙。 ——你父亲却什么都不理。”
“ 。。 。 。 。 ”
她得不到半句的回答。 浪把头转过来，带着奇异的眼光。
她明白他的意思，便辩白地叹了一口气， “也是出于无可奈何的。 谁甘愿呢？但是计算一下，以其在这里等候两个月，不如就将这笔费用来趁快离开这里的好。 而且现在的战事又很难测料，万一这里也不幸发生了什么就不妙了。 无论如何星期一晚我要回家。 你的弟弟在家我是放心不下的，所以你一去，我也可以放心回去了。”
一提到家，他的心中感到一阵突袭的痛苦。 本来他那贫乏的家是没有什么值得依恋的地方，而且他从来也没有爱惜过家，思念过家，但是现在一旦要离开了它，却感到它的可爱。 这个家现在沉重地压在他的心上，还刻了一条深沟。
“你不要过虑，只要随着自己的能力所及生活就好了。 至于借来的船费，我尽我的能力在这里清还。 。 。 。 。 ” 她面上没有一点光辉。
“妈，” 浪突然抬起头来切断了她的话，“还不是你的责任，你的责任早已尽了。你已经培养到我能够有力量独立，我也应该跑进这个黑暗的社会，去自求生存了。” 他的声浪微微地颤动。
“我没有能力把你培养成人，这是我的责任，是我做母亲的罪过。 我怎能忍心让你这十五岁的幼年，单独地漂渡千里的海洋，到那异地去求生呢？” 她的眼门涌出两颗泪珠，快要滚下来。 “以后的只有痛苦生活，前途还是茫然。。 。 。” 泪珠沿着苍皱的面皮流下。 她给痛苦笼罩着，一刹那间发不出声音来。
“妈，放心吧。我不是从那里来的吗？这不是忍与不忍的问题，不是这样的环境，谁愿让自己的儿子离开家乡，谁又愿意离别了家，辞了父母，去国，到那孤零零的外国去。 我的年纪虽小，但这正是人生开展的最适应时期。 今日我不是第一个，也不会是最后一个。 我要生活我就要挣扎，要奋斗。 这不是你个人的问题，也不是我个人的问题，亦不是我们的问题，而且是整个社会的问题。 虽然我的前途还是茫然，但我是未来的人，正要发展的人。 我有能力来奋斗，所以你不须为我的生活而感到痛苦。 但是你们此后怎样生活呢？ 你已经将成为过去的人，你连挣扎的能力也没有。 还有四个小的倚着你，你的负担太重了。 我不能不为你们以后的生活而感到悲哀。” 浪没有力量说下去，他给痛苦握着了。 他只能向痛苦想去，越想越觉得痛苦。 她给悲哀握着了，她只能向悲哀想去，越想越觉得悲哀。 他们面对着，交换了一些共同的痛苦和悲哀。
屋内传出一些快乐的声调，可是他们什么都听不到。
经过一些难堪的时刻，琴用呻吟的声音击破这苦闷的静寂， “或许还是最后一次的会面了。” 她微微地呜咽，可是从外表很难觉察出来。
“不会的，妈。 我们是要再相会的，我快要回来了。 。 。 。 。” 他的眼睛润湿了。
“我也希望着，希望着你战后回来。 但是你怕不能再见到我了。 我已经是过去的人了。 ”
他悲哀地望着她，两条泪痕划在粗皱的面皮，沿着双线可以看到她那痛苦的心。 儿子就是她心的一部，现在要分裂了。 她的泪泉已经干涸了，老年的眼泪是宝贵的，但是自从广州市逃离之后，这两年来她天天流着眼泪。 泪的伤痕在她的面上划了深沟，成了憔悴，悲哀吞蚀了她的肉体，她的灵魂—— 她是多么消瘦。 但她为了未来，为了希望，为了儿子，现在又痛苦地作最后一次的挣扎了。
母亲须要安慰，但他那里能够找出安慰的言语呢？ 自己不也是在同一的环境。
“是的，母亲，你丧失了一个儿子——一个心爱的儿子，是值得悲哀的，但是我却丧失了唯一的母亲。 我也感到痛苦，人生只有两个爱，我已经丧失一个了。” 他仰起头来，把两颗含泪的眼睛望着天空—— 深渊的天空，月亮还没有出来，几颗星闪烁着特有的光辉。 西边射出两条光芒，交点处反影着一架飞机。 这样阔大的天空，却没有地方放下他那课崩裂的心。 他的眼睛闪烁着，一切都模糊了。
“我回去了。” 琴终于打破这个沉默，接着向室内走进。 浪没有回答，好像没有听见似的，琴已经站在升降机的门前。
“妈 。 。 。 。 ” 浪失望地突然回头，踏上门边，呆望着他的母亲，张开着口，发不出声音来。
琴回头看了儿子一眼。 门开了， 她便踏进去，面向着她的儿子。 接着两扇门合上， 她的影子消失了。 通骑楼的门前还站着她的儿子，望着前面母亲影子消失的大门。 一个思想缠绕着他 ——人生的爱， 一半已终了。
呜！—— 船上发出第二次的呻吟——沉重的汽笛漫布四周。 远远的重山中传来一两声回音，渐渐地微弱而至消失了。 平静的海面，荡不起波澜。 码头运输的声音，在这么阔的天空却没有遗留的余地了。
汽笛的声音还绕着浪的耳边，这好像是犯人听到死刑的号角，但这也是生命的呼声。 他呆了一阵，他觉得自己的血已经回到心房中，他的四肢冰冻了。 但他知道应该分离了，望着母亲，他已经掉下两行泪。 他挣扎了一会，努力地说声， “我去了。”
琴没有回答的力量， 眼中流出更多的泪。
浪转身走了。 刚走了几步，他留恋地回头一望，带泪的母亲，呆站在铁栅的外面，望着渐渐缩小的自己，是悲哀，是痛苦，是可怜，是期望。 这一幕离别的现象，在他的心中刻了永不能磨灭的深痕。 他连忙更正自己的缺点，转头望向码头的尽处，勇敢地前进，不敢再回头看看母亲。 不然，他恐怕没有力量分别了。 生离死别，本是人生的过程，人生的常情，他怎么却为这而苦恼呢？ 难道从今以后真的永远不能相会了吗？ 他走着，他想着，悲哀也加增着。 这条望得完的长码头，却像是永远走不尽。
浪倚着船上的栏杆，远望着岸边母亲的影子，眼边涌出两行热泪。 船渐渐地移动了。 十五年的生活，在他的脑海中漂荡着，正像下面被扰动的水波一般——祖国，家庭，父母，兄弟，同胞 。 。 。 。 一切都成了过去，成了泡影。 在生命中增加了一些痛苦回忆。 眼泪流到他的唇边，他尝着人生的苦味。 离别了， 一切，忍心地离别了，从此听不到同胞的呼声，祖国的奋斗，家庭的挣扎。 在这大时代中离开了，放下一切的责任，负起一切的罪过，漂荡，流浪，漂流着自己的私生活。 他的眼睛给一层纱幕掩盖着，眼前的一切模糊了起来。 母亲的影子不见了，从此不见了。 他望着离别的祖国山河，绝望地倚在栏杆上，再没有力量动移这个像死去了的躯干。 他呻吟了一声， “不知是从悲哀里产生了爱，还是由爱带来悲哀呢。”
岸边的栅前还站着琴那憔悴的躯干，面上留着两条干涸的泪痕。
船渐渐地向着东边港口中隐没了。
“Uncle Hoi has purchased the boat ticket,” a fifty year-old Kum says to her son in a low voice. “The boat will sail on Monday . . . . We are fortunate to have the help from Uncle Hoi.”
“Um . . . . ” Long glances at his mother without any expressions, turning his head again towards the street below. At this time they are both leaning on the balcony of the Asian Hotel — the fifth floor is very quiet. The noise from the street does not travel up here. If not for the gaming sounds of the mahjong and dominoes coming in intermittently, this room really is as desolate as the dark night in the wilderness.
“It's considerably reasonable,” seeing that he does not answer her, Kum continues on talking. “Only had to spend 90 dollars for his tea fees. Uncle Hoi is really very kind. He doesn’t demand anything special, probably knowing our difficulties. Besides, he is one of us. But for the commission, he does follow the custom that entitles him to receive. We should be grateful to have his enthusiastic help — while your father doesn’t do anything.”
“ . . . . ”
She does not receive half a reply. Long turns his head with an uncanny look in his eyes.
She understands his thoughts and sighs while explaining, “It's really because there is no other way. Who’s willing to do so? But think about it. Rather than staying here and waiting for two months, it would be better just to use this sum of expense and take such an opportunity to quickly leave this place. Besides, the present war event is unpredictable. It would be terrible if unfortunate things would occur at this place too. Regardless, I will go home Monday evening. I am not at ease when your younger brother is at home. So as soon as you take off, I will then feel at ease to go home.”
The thought of home brings to his heart a sudden attack of painful feeling. This impoverished and deficient family really doesn’t have anything worthy of one’s fondness for it. Moreso, he has never cherished his home, nor missed his home. But once he has to leave it now, he finds it amiable. This home weighs heavily on his heart now, and that it has carved out a deep ditch in it.
“You don’t have to be too concerned. You just need to be in pace with your own ability and live on. As for the money borrowed for the ship fare, I will do my best here to repay all of it . . . . ” Her face does not have any bit of luster.
“Mom,” Long suddenly lifts his head and cuts off her words. “Yet this is not your responsibility. Your responsibility has long been completed. You have raised me to be capable of independence. I should now go into this shady society and seek my own survival.” The soundwave of his voice is slightly shaken.
“I don’t have the ability to cultivate and nurture you to become an adult. This is my responsibility, the fault of a mother. How could I have the heart to allow you, a 15 years old teenager, to sail off thousands of miles by yourself, to a strange land to seek for a living?” Two teardrops gush out of her eyes and about to roll down. “From now on, we will just live on with pain, and the future is still bleak. . . .” Her tears roll down along her deeply wrinkled face. She is shrouded in pain, and for a moment, cannot utter a sound.
“Mom, don’t worry. Didn’t I come from there? This is not a problem of you having or not having the heart to do so. If we are not in such circumstances, who would let his son leave one’s homeland? And who would be willing to leave home, bidding farewell to his parents, going abroad to a foreign country all alone? I may be young in age, but this really is the most suitable time to develop one’s life. Today, neither am I the first nor am I the last one. If I want to live, I have to struggle and strive. This is not a problem concerning you individually, nor is it about my individual problem; it is not our own problem. It is the problem of the whole society. Although my future is obscure, I am a person of the future, the one to be developed. So you should not feel pain about my living. But how do you live from now? You are approaching to be a person of the past, and you don’t even have the strength to struggle, while having four little ones dependent on you. Your load is too heavy. I cannot help feeling sorrow for your living in the future.” Long hasn’t the strength to continue, being choked by his pain. He can only think along his pain, yet the more he thinks of it the more he feels the pain. She is choked by sorrow. She can only think in terms of sorrow, yet the more she thinks the more she feels the sorrow. They face each other and share a mutual sense of pain and sorrow.
Joyful tunes are coming from the room, but they don’t hear anything.
After some unbearable moments, Kum lets out a sigh to break the depressed silence. “Perhaps this is yet our last meeting.” She sobs lightly, but it is not easily noticeable.
“It wouldn’t be, Mom. We will be meeting again. I will return very soon . . . .” His eyes have wetted.
“I too hope so, hoping you will return after the war, but you wouldn’t be able to see me, as I would have been a person of the past.”
He looks at her with sadness. One can follow the two lines of tears that have carved into her wrinkled face to see her painful heart. Her son is a part of her heart, and now it is broken up. Her source of tears has already dried up. Tears of the elderly are precious, but since they escaped the war from the city of Guangzhou, she has been crying daily for the past two years. The scarring traces of tears leave marks of grooves on her face, turning her pale, while sadness has devoured her body and soul — How emaciated she has become. But for the sake of the future, for hope, and for her son, once again and for the last time, she struggles in pain.
Mother needs to be comforted, but how can he come up with words of comfort? He too is in the same situation.
“Yes, mother, you have lost a son – a beloved son – it indeed is sad. But I have lost my only mother, and I also feel the pain. There are only two loves in life and I have lost one.” He raises his head, looking up to the sky with eyes full of tears. In the abyss of sky, the moon has not come out. A few stars twinkle a unique radiance. On the west side an airplane is reflected at the intersection of two streams of light. In such a vast sky there is yet no place to appease his broken heart. His eyes glisten, and all becomes blurred.
“I am going back now.” Kum finally breaks up the silence and walks towards the room. Long does not reply as if he had not heard it. Kum is already standing in front of the elevator door.
“Mom . . . .” Suddenly Long turns his head in disappointment, steps up to the door, stares blankly at his mother with an open mouth and can’t utter a sound.
Kum turns back and looks at her son once. The door opens. She steps into the elevator with her face turned towards her son. The two doors close up and her image disappears. Her son is still standing in front of the door to the balcony, looking at the front of the elevator door where the image of his mother disappeared. A thought lingers on him – the love of life, half is gone.
Woot! —— The boat blows off its second moaning —— The heavy and deep sound of the steam whistle surrounds every direction. A few echoes from the distant, overlapping mountains gradually become weaker and fade away. The calm sea can’t sweep up a wave. The loading sounds at the wharf leave no trace in such vast a sky.
The sound of the steam whistle still revolves around Long’s ears. It is like a prisoner hearing the horn of his death, but it is also the call of life. He is stunned for a moment, feeling his blood has returned to his heart and his four limbs are ice-cold. And he realizes it is time to depart. He looks at his mother as two lines of tears drop off his face. He struggles for a moment, making great effort and says, “I am going.”
Kum lacks the strength to reply, as more tears pour out of her eyes.
Long turns his body and leaves. After a few steps he languishes and turns his head back to look. In tears mother is standing dumbstruck outside the iron gate, looking at the diminishing Long. It is sorrow; it is pain; it is pity; it is hope. This scene of separation marks a scar in his heart that could never be obliterated. He immediately corrects his weakness, turns his head towards the end of the wharf, bravely looking forward, and dares not turn his head to look at mother again. He is afraid, otherwise, he will not have the strength for departure. Separation in life and departure in death are but common occurrences of life. Then why should he be tormented by this? Is it truly so that forever there would be no chance of reuniting again? He walks on, thinking, as his sorrow surges. The end of this long wharf is visible, but seems to be never reachable.
Long leans on the railing of the ship looking far into mother’s image at the shore. Two lines of warm tears rush out of his eyes. Gradually the ship begins to move . Fifteen years of life flutters in his mind, just like the waves down below being disturbed – motherland, family, parents, brothers, countrymen – all have become the past. Vanished like soap bubbles, they add onto the painful remembrance in life. Tears roll along his lips, as he tastes the bitterness of life. Farewell to all. I bear it all in parting. Hereafter I no longer hear the call of my countrymen, the striving of my motherland, and the struggle of my family. Departing at this time of a significant era, I drop all my responsibilities and endure all the guilt to drift and wander aimlessly and be driven to live my own individual life. His eyes are covered by a layer of veil, and everything becomes blurry. Mother‘s image is gone, gone from now on. Leaning on the fence in despair, he looks at the departed mountains and rivers of the motherland and no longer has any strength to move his dead-like body. He sighs and says, “Unknowingly, is it from sorrow that generates love, or is it love that brings sorrow?”
At the shore in front of the gate, Kum is still standing in her thin and pallid body, and two lines of tears dried on her face.
The ship gradually disappears towards the eastern harbor.