"Fleeing" - 1947
有几次我曾想到离婚，但我不能这样做，因为妻除了我之外，没有其他戚属。 况且她在美国又没有能力谋生，我带了她过来，就要好好坏坏的干下去。
但这种心理，并不是家庭之福，却是婚姻的第一块礁石，因为我以为她没有戚友，没有独立能力，潜意识里就认为她应该一切都要服从我，不得在我跟前发脾气，不得作过份的要求。
所以，当她埋怨没有时装帽子可戴，或者埋怨没有衣服可穿，没有鞋子炫耀时，我就无名火起。 有时，从报纸读到一篇文章，或者从收音机上听到一些播音剧，也颇原谅妻子的要求，因为衣装是女人的第二生命. 所以在心软的时候，或在一切都是温和的空气中，我就对她说： “亲爱的，我也很喜欢你穿漂亮的衣服，不过男子没有时间来顾及女人的衣装而已。”
这使她顿壮了胆量，她乘机进攻： “我想你每月只给我一些费用，好让我自己去购买需要的东西，不必问你, 可以省却许多烦恼， 因为女人买东西有时是很奇怪的。 就算我不是帮助你在店中工作你也应该开支一笔费用给你妻子的。 你知道女人有很强烈的购买欲。 看看你自己的东西： 十二元一个烟斗，五六个打火机，名贵的鱼钩。 这些都是多余的，但是我从来都不过问。”
她最后的几句比骂我还难受，一团无名火滚了起来。 我知道自己的面色变了。
“我们明天再说吧。”
她叹了一口气。 我们之间充满了沉默。
“我们这样是不能下去的。” 她走过来跪在我的跟前，拉着我的手，吻了我的手背，然后以带泪的眼睛仰望着我说： “我们是为了爱而结合的，我们更应该以爱来共同生活，那么你要以独立的个人来看待我。 我需要自由和你需要自由一样深切，我相信自己从来没有干涉过你的自由。 自从我们结婚后，我好像完全消失了自己。 我不过是你的妻，是你的一件属品，和你所属的皮鞋一样，喜欢穿就穿，不喜欢穿就抛在一旁，好不关怀。 我不能永远相就你而尽失我做人的权利。 就是你爱我时也不征求我的同意，只顾及你个人的欲感。 我不独是一个人，更且是一个女人。 当一个女人走过商店的橱窗时，她是想买一件帽子或一套衣服的。 难道你不明白吗？”
我不知怎样开口，两目望出窗外去，怒气全未消失。
“夫妇到了无幸福可言时，只有互相离开。”
这使我受了一生以来最大的侮辱，我的眼睛充满了烈火，我不能再忍受了，但她的态度却是镇静和坚决。 我摆脱了她的手，连帽子也不带就用力地关了门出外去。
我知道妻在这个新来的国土还很生疏，她要依赖我，她的坏脾气实在是出乎意料之外。 但她走了，或提出离婚，对于我的面子是有损害的。 或者今晚她已悔恨，明天散了怒气，又做回一个贤德的妇人。
我的心里在盘算，这个女人，应该给她一顿教训，使她知道她是国内女子最幸福的一个，有美兵和她结婚，带了她过来，不必到外面工作。 难道她不曾看见中国的女子，饿得皮黄骨瘦么？ 今晚必要给她一些面色，实行暂时抵制，使她独个人在房里，联想她的身世，她就不敢再和自己对头了。
那夜我故意很迟方回家。 我忽然地离家后，初初还是很愠怒，渐渐也觉得妻的话是对的。 最后也原谅妻对我购买烟斗之类的指责了——妻到底是难找的贤德女性。
当我抵家走遍通屋后，知道妻真的已离我走了。
There were times I had thought of divorce, but I could not do so because my wife had no other relatives besides me. Moreso, she did not have the ability to make a living in America. Since I brought her over, for good or for bad, we would have to go on.
This kind of mentality was not a blessing for a family, but the first reef of marriage. And because I assumed that she had no friends nor ability to be independent, subconsciously I expected her to obey me on everything, not be allowed to express anger in front of me, nor make excessive demands.
So when she complained about not having fashionable hats and clothes to wear, nor shoes to show off, I became inexpressibly infuriated. At times when I read an article in the newspaper or listened to some plays broadcasted on the radio, I could almost forgive Wife’s demands because clothing is a woman’s second life. So when I was soft-hearted or when everything was in a harmonious atmosphere, I would say to her: “My dear, I too, am delighted to see you wear beautiful clothing. It is just that men do not have time to attend to women’s clothing style.”
These words suddenly strengthened her courage and she took advantage of the opportunity to charge: “I think you should give me an allowance each month. Let me buy the things I need and I don’t have to ask you. That will avoid much irritation because when women buy things, it could be very peculiar sometimes. Even if I am not helping you work in the store, you should still give your wife a living expense. You know women have a strong desire for shopping. Look at your own stuff: a $12 smoke pipe, five or six cigarette lighters, and luxurious branded fishing poles. All these are superfluous things, but I never bothered you about them.”
Her last words were worse than scolding me. A fire of undefinable anger flamed up in me, and I knew the color of my complexion had changed.
“Let’s talk about it tomorrow.”
She let out a sigh. Silence filled up between us.
“We can’t go on like this.” She came over and kneeled in front of me. Holding my hand, she kissed the back of it. Then, in teary eyes she looked up and said to me: “We joined together for the sake of love, and we should be living our lives together with love. So you should treat me as an independent individual. I need freedom just as passionately as you need freedom. I believe I have never interfered with your freedom. Since our marriage, I seemed to have completely lost myself. I am nothing but your wife, an object belonging to you, just like a pair of shoes belonging to you. When you feel like it, you wear it. You throw it aside without caring about it when you don’t like to wear it. I cannot forever accommodate you while losing all my rights to be human. Even when you made love to me, you never asked for my consent and only attended to your own sexual desire. I am not only a human being, but moreso, a woman too. When a woman passes by the showcase window of a store, she does want to buy a hat or a set of clothes. Why can’t you understand that?”
I didn’t know how to open my mouth to speak but stared out the window with anger not completely dissipated.
“When husband and wife reach the time of no happiness to speak of, they can only be mutually separated.”
Such thoughts gave me the greatest insult in my whole life. My eyes were full of raging fire, and I could not tolerate any more while her attitude was calm and determined. I shook off her hand and forcefully slammed the door and walked out of the house without putting on my hat.
I knew my wife was still strange to this country she had newly arrived in, and she had to rely on me. While her bad temper was really beyond my expectation, her leaving me or demanding a divorce would do damage to my face. Maybe she would have regretted it by the evening. Once anger is released by tomorrow, she will return to being a virtuous woman.
I was calculating in my mind that I should give this woman a lesson and let her realize she was the luckiest one among the ladies in the old country. There was an American soldier in me who married and brought her to the States, and she didn’t need to work outside of home. Hasn’t she seen the women in China who have starved to yellowish skin and bony bodies? This evening I must show her my true temperament by carrying out a temporary rejection and let her stay by herself in the room to reflect upon her life experience. She would not dare to antagonize me again.
That night I purposely returned home very late. After I abruptly left the house, I was still very angry at the beginning. Gradually I felt what Wife said was right. Finally, I forgave her for finding fault in things like my purchase of smoke pipes — My wife was, after all, a truly hard-to-find virtuous female.
After I returned home and searched through the whole house, I realized Wife had really left me and gone away.