"Bloodstains" - 1947
我听到有人唤我， 于是张开了眼， 看见四围挤拥着许多人， 但是呼声是从上面发来的。
“来， 快些来吧。” 是很引诱的召唤声。
我好像从一个露营的夜袋中爬出来似的。 看见天空一个全白的老人向我召手。 我不能自主地要跟从他， 于是举步向上行。奇怪， 空气顿时凝固起来。 比登山还有舒服许多。
“哪里去？” 我在积臣街角的路灯顶上止了步。
“问什么， 跟着来就好了。快点吧， 迟了回去要教养责罚的。”
他以为我会无条件地顺从他。 但是我必定先要知道是什么一回事才肯走。 我就吹开路灯上的尘埃， 顽固地坐在上面。 他不得已只好坐在对面的路灯顶上摇头等候。
“老人， 下面的人围拥着看什么？”
“看你的死呵！ 不是以前的你的死。”
“我的死？ 原来我死了吗？ 哦—— 原来是这么一回事。”
“好了。 你竟然知道了。 来吧， 我们实在要开始回去了。”
“慢点， 那一个是我？”
“那个卧在车旁的就是。”
“啧啧， 你看他头上的血， 多么难看。 还有血流在路上。 那个在旁边哭叫的一定就是他的母亲！ 哦！我完全记起来了。她是我妈妈呵。 妈妈， 不要哭， 我在这里。 你的儿子在这里， 不要哭了。 妈妈， 你听到我吗？”
“你再大声也没有人听到的。” 老人在对面冷静静地说。
“谁问你。 别理会我个人的事。” 我滚到地面上来， 在背后安慰母亲。 我抚着她的背。 我在她的耳旁说话， 她还是一样伤心地痛哭。 我站在她的前面， 替她抹眼泪。 我想抬举她的头， 她却死硬不肯移动。 我握着两肩摇动她， 大声叫她， 她动也不动。 我疯狂地去拉站在旁边的警察， 他也不理会我。 我向四围的人高叫着： 我在这里！但是他们只望着地上的死尸。 我遭遇到从未有过的失望。 我真愿意再卧在地上给人们注意， 因为一个人最绝望的就是没有人理会。 我颓唐地回到路灯顶上， 知道除了离开这里，另外寻找一个能够共同生活的地方外， 没有别的办法可想了， 因为这里已不是我所能居住的世界。 但是我还愿在这里多做一会。 到底我也曾在这个地方活过。 在这里留下血痕， 不能没有半点恋念的。
老人看见我还不肯走， 于是他布起道来了：“你该明白了， 就是我不把你带走， 你自己也不愿居留在这里的。 一羣儿童将一个皮球抛来抛去。 可以继续数小时之久， 而且保持很大的兴趣， 因为他们是局内的人。 他们互相合作， 互相关切， 一共同的目标而奋斗。 所以至成为一个活的局面。 你也曾有过一个机会到下面的世间去参加过活动。 你尽了自己的本份， 现在是你下台的时候， 台上的戏是继续演下去的。 没有一个演员要硬着留在前台不肯下来。
“或者你以为是一个小童死去而不甘心，或者你以为刚从困难的中国踏上这块安乐土，而舍不得离开去。 其实你却可以这样看的。 这块土地和别的地方一样， 也充满着困苦悲哀和痛苦的。 来这里的人差不多都过着牛马的生活。 都是辛辛苦苦地替别人劳作。 显示资本家剥削了他们劳作的代价。 再而又商人割去一份。 最后祖国的家属亲戚又吞去大部分。 他们留给自己的有多少。 你看下面的酒巴。 毒窟， 娼妓。 这些社会的虎口， 到处吸吮他们的精力和灵魂。”
“我们去吧。” 我看见夜神慢慢地拉上黑幕。
“我们在离开华埠之前缓缓地行吧。 你可以看见那边有人地着头， 强张着疲倦的眼睛 “车衣” 在这里的酒楼上有人打响鼓钹饮食， 你别以为他们都是阔绰的。 有些在摆了这场面的酒后， 就要穷上两年的。 你听他们口里说出欢迎的话， 心里却有着憎恨和诅咒。 我们可以看穿一切的楼墙。 听出最低微的心声， 你看见些什么？
“我看见那边女人赤裸裸地洗浴。”
I hear someone calling me, so I open my eyes and see there are many people gathered around me, but the call is coming from above.
“Come, let’s come quickly.” It is a very tempting summon.
I seem to have crawled out from a camping sag, and I see in the sky an old man in all white waving his hand at me. Involuntarily I follow him, raising my feet and going upwards. Oddly, the air suddenly solidified, and it is even more comfortable than climbing a mountain.
“Where to go?” I stop on top of the street light above the corner of Jackson Street.
“Why need to ask? Just follow me. Let’s hurry up. Going back late would be penalized.
He thinks I would unconditionally obey him, but I must find out what this is all about before I am willing to go. So I blow away the dust on the street light and sit down on top of it. He has no alternative but to sit on the street light across the street, shaking his head.
“Old man, what are those people gathering down there looking at?”
“Oh, they are looking at your death! No, it was the death of the former you.”
“My death? So I have died? Oh – So this is what it is all about.”
“Alright, now that you know, come now, we really have to start going back.”
“Wait. Is that me over there?”
“That one lying at the side of the car is you.”
“Jeez, you see the blood on his head? How ugly. And there is blood running on the street. The one crying loudly by his side must be his mother – Oh! I recall everything now. She is my mother. Mama, don’t cry. I am here. Your son is here. Don’t cry now. Mama, can you hear me?”
“Even if you shout nobody can hear you,” the old man on the opposite side says coldly.
“Who asked you? Don’t you mind my personal business.” I rush down to the ground and console Mother behind her. Lightly I caress her back and speak into her ears, but she still wails in sadness. I stand in front of her and wipe her tears. I want to raise her head, but she is stiffly immovable. I hold on to her shoulders and shake her, yelling loudly at her, but she doesn’t move at all. I desperately drag the policeman standing beside me, but he too doesn’t pay any attention to me. I yell at the surrounding crowd, “I am here!” But they only look at the corpse on the ground. I feel a sense of disappointment that I have never encountered before. I really wish to lie down again and have people pay attention to me, because what is most hopeless for a person is nobody pays attention to him. Listlessly I return to the top of the street light, knowing there is no other way but leaving here and looking for a place people can mutually live together. This is no longer the world in which I can reside, but I still want to stay here for a little while; after all, I have been living in this place and have left some bloodstains here. It is impossible not to have some sense of longing.
Seeing that I am still unwilling to leave, the old man starts to compose his preaching. “You should understand, even if I don’t take you with me, you yourself would not like to reside here. A group of children throwing a ball around can continue for several hours and maintain great interest in doing it because they are insiders. They cooperate with each other with mutual concern, and they struggle with a common goal. So collectively they have created a meaningful environment for themselves. You had an opportunity down there in the world to participate in their activities, and you had done your part. Now is the time for you to get off the stage. The play on the stage will continue to be performed. There is no performer who would obstinately stay on the front stage and not willing to get off.”
“Perhaps you think I am just a little kid who is reluctant to die, or perhaps you think I am unwilling to leave this land of calm and peace since I just came out from the misery-filled China. But actually you can look at it this way: This piece of land is the same as other places that are full of hardships, sadness, and pain. Nearly all those who come here are living the lives of an ox and horse, taking great pains to labor for others. First, the capitalists exploit the value of their labor, then the merchants take their share, and finally the family members and relatives from their motherland swallow up another big chunk. How much did they leave for him? You look at the bars, gambling dens, and prostitutes down there. These jaws of death in society are sucking all of their energy and souls.”
“Let’s go.” I see the God of Night slowly pull down the dark curtain.
“We shall walk slowly before we leave Chinatown. You can see over there some people are sewing clothes, lowering their heads and struggling to keep their tired eyes open. On this side in the restaurant there are people beating up drums and cymbals while feasting. You shouldn’t think they are all sumptuous. Some would be poor for two years after putting up this banquet. You would hear them speak welcoming words in their mouth, but they feel hatred and damnation in their hearts. Now we can see through any kind of wall and hear the most humble voice. What do you see?”
“I see a woman stark-naked bathing over there.”