"A Journey to Saudi Arabia" - 1947
“我想已经无法劝阻你了，你既然下了决心，那么我只有祝你此行顺利和成功。”
“谢谢你，” 他也随手举起那杯酒，一饮而尽。
这时不过是入夜的时候，酒吧中只寥寥几个人，清静得很。 我从面前光线的照镜反看坐在旁边的他。 他正凝视着手上玩弄的空杯，显然是沈思着。
他是我中学时期的老同学，对于数理化特有所好，而且成绩非常优良。 毕业后，他进入大学继续攻读工程。 听说有过人的才能。 现在也毕业了，他走来告诉我说要到阿刺伯去工作。 当初我还以为他开玩笑，后来看到他的严肃态度，又不觉惊讶起来，到底这是出乎意料以外的消息。
再从新上了酒的酒杯中呷了一口后，我问他道： “为什么你不就近找份工做而偏要走得那么辽远呢？”
“唉！” 经过一刻沉默后，他摇起头来： “你知道找工容易么？ 我已经找了两个多月。 当初自己是立下条件的，后来条件逐渐减少到勿论什么酬报，勿论多少路程，只要有一份工给我就干了。 我走到一些公司去访问，人事员摇头对我说， 我这在美国属于少数的民族，一点机会都没有的，还是消了这个念头吧。 这还算好，谁叫我的面子黄，谁叫我的祖宗不和白女交合。 在争饭碗的地方，阶层愈高，歧视也愈大。 有些却使你空走一轮，才给你一个教训。 我就宁愿他们直白地说出我的面皮黄，倒还痛快得多。 至少我不会因为虚构希望而遭受失望的痛苦。”
这一说来，我倒沉默了。 我不能否认歧视的存在，尤其是要关连到饭碗问题的时候。 他的遭遇几乎是每一个华侨的经验，所不同的是有人故意将之夸张， 有人却给另一种满足遮盖而不觉得罢了。
“你或者会差异到我为什么要挑选到阿刺伯去。 这连我自己也不大明白，或者是一时的气愤也说不定，但是现在合同已签了，在这两年内我是不会回来，除非是给人抬回来，即是病了或死了。 ” 他已达到酒量的高峯，然而在这长柜枱，高凳， 酒杯，和酒罇合成的室中，缺少了引诱力的东西，饮酒的人，口一开是闭不上的。
他继续说下去：“别人都说我应该回到中国去。 我回中国去做什么呢？ 看杀人吗？ 还是看别人在你的跟前饿死呢？ 我没有后台，我恐怕连做杂差的资格也没有。 就算我有办法弄到一份差事，那又怎么样？ 还不是写写报告，读读 “等因奉此” 吗？ 那有机会来给我做建设的工作呢？”
“那么在这里随便找份工作暂时栖身吧，中国的情形有天会好转的。”
“你不明白我是一个工科的人，一个刚从学校出来的人和担泥搬土的工人没有什么分别。 他们告诉我，没有十年八年的经验，没有人承认你是工程师的。 最低限度发薪金的人这样把你看待。 别人说教员的酬报是最稀薄的， 我却要说工程师的命运是最苦的。 教员至少一出身就是教员，学习工程的人非要十年八年不能达到所谓工程师的地位，而且达到这地位的成份也很少，大多数不过是绘圗员或甚至卖力的工人。 教员有的是学生，工程师有的仅是无名的死物，谁会想到某一件建筑物的创立者呢？ 人们只知道说物的物主，社会从来就看不起工程师，只有那些热心建设的人，才这样愚蠢甘愿把血流在公路上，把身葬在铁桥上。 他们去的是无人烟的地方，他们要把文明带来，自己却要过原始的生活。 每一个工科的都知道 “工” 字不出头，出头就入 “土” 的了。”
“你到沙漠的阿刺伯去不怕寂寞吗？”
“沙漠也有海市蜃楼的，寂寞是心灵的感觉，我有朋友，我有信仰，我有所爱的和所憎恨的，无论我到什么地方去都不会寂寞。 只要我还有思想和一枝笔， 两年的时光是不会长的，而且，正好给我一个静思的机会，或者能够寻获人生的意义。
我听了默默无语。
走出酒吧时， 碰着浓浓的厚雾。 一切都看不清楚，然而路依然是要走的。
“I think there is no other way I can dissuade you. Since you are so determined, I can only wish you a smooth and successful journey then.”
“Thank you,” he also readily raises his glass of wine and bottoms up.
The time is just the beginning of the night, and there are only a few people in the bar, a very quiet place. From the mirror in front I see his reflection sitting at my side. He is staring at the empty glass he fiddles in his hand. Evidently he is in deep thought.
He was my old classmate from high school who was especially interested in mathematics, physics and chemistry, and his grades were outstanding. After graduation, he went on to college and continued studying engineering. I heard he is highly talented. He graduated from college and now he comes to tell me he is going to work in Saudi Arabia. At first I thought he was just kidding, but then seeing his serious attitude I can’t help feeling surprised. This is indeed unexpected news.
After taking a sip from the refilled glass of liquor, I ask him, “Why don’t you just find a job nearby instead of insisting on going so far away?”
“Ay!” After a moment of intense silence, he shakes his head and says, “Do you think looking for work is easy? I have searched for two months now. At first I established work criteria, and then my demands gradually reduced to whatever wage and however far the distance. As long as there is work for me, I will take it. I went to inquire about an opportunity from a company, and the clerk dismissively told me I belong to the minority in America, so I won’t have a chance, and that I should just get rid of the intention. And it would be better if I was told in my face! Too bad I have a yellow face and too bad my ancestor didn’t have intercourse with a white woman. Where people fight for a rice bowl, the higher the social status the more severe the discrimination would be. Some would let you run around for nothing first and then teach you a lesson. I would rather have them bluntly tell me that my face is yellow – that would be more gratifying. At least I won’t be suffering from the pain of disappointment with a fabricated, empty hope.”
Hearing what he has said, I turn silent instead. I can’t deny the existence of discrimination, especially when it is related to the problem of work competition. His encounter is the experience of almost every overseas Chinese. The difference is some people purposely exaggerate it, while some are unaware of it due to the disguise of another kind of satisfaction.
“You may be astonished at why I choose to go to Saudi Arabia. Even I myself don’t quite understand this. Or maybe it is determined by a momentary anger. But now the contract is signed, and I won’t be returning in the next two years, unless I am being carried back due to illness or death.” He has maximized his drinking capacity, yet this room consisting of only a long counter, a row of high stools, liquid glasses and bottles has nothing attractive to occupy his attention. So a drinker cannot stop once the mouth is opened.
He continues, “People have all told me I should return to China. But what can I do in China? To see people getting killed? Or to see people in front of you die of hunger? I don’t have any under-the-table connection. I’m afraid I won’t even qualify as a messenger. And even if I manage to get a job, then what? Wouldn’t I just be writing reports and reading officialese such as ‘in view of the above, we therefore’? Where would there be an opportunity for me to do construction work?”
“Then, just find a job here to dwell temporarily. The situation in China will become better someday.”
“You don’t understand that I am an engineer who just came out of school. I am no different from a laborer who delivers mud and transports soil. They told me it takes at least eight to ten years before people recognize you as an engineer. At least the one passing out your paycheck would treat you this way. Some people say teachers have the slightest paycheck, but I say the fate of an engineer is the most bitter. A teacher once out of school is a teacher, but the ones studying engineering will take eight to ten years before reaching the status of an engineer. Besides, the percentage of those reaching this status is small, as most would settle to be draftsmen or even hard laborers. What teachers accomplish are in students, but what engineers have are only dead objects. Who would think of the creator of a building? People only know the owner of the property. Society always looks down on engineers. Only those who are enthusiastic about constructions would be so foolish as to be willing to shed their blood on the highways and bury their bodies on the bridges. The places they go to have no people or homes. They want to bring civilization to the place, but they themselves have to live in primitive conditions. Everyone in engineering knows the word gong cannot get ahead, and when gong sticks its head out, one is already into the soil.
“Aren’t you afraid of loneliness when you go to the desert of Saudi Arabia?”
“Well, even the deserts have mirages, and loneliness is a feeling of the heart. I have friends, I have my faith, and I have objects of love and hate. So no matter where I go, I will not be lonely. As long as I can still think and have a pen, the two years won’t be too long. Besides, it would give me an opportunity to do some quiet contemplation. I may perhaps be able to search and obtain the meaning of life.”
Upon hearing that I become speechless, in silence.
Coming out of the bar I ran into very thick fog. Nothing can be seen clearly, yet the road still needed to be taken.