James Poy Wong 黃培正

"A person being born into life should have a goal, and this goal must be able to conquer one’s greedy mind. Otherwise, a sense of uncertainty will sneak in and unwilling to leave."

"Wandering In Uncertainty" - 1946

徬徨

广州市一个十八岁的朋友，写了一封信，告诉我说他现在徬徨在一条已知是通不到任何地方的路上，却不知如何是好。

你可曾徬徨过吗？ 你也许会反问我，在这梦幻般的美国中，也会有徬徨的事情吗？ 我真羡慕你，一个能问这话的人我认为是幸福的。 苦的是人们在无聊中徬徨着的时候，自己却完全不知道。 在街上东奔西走地忙个不了的人，大多是不知道自己正在做的是什么。 所以忙的人生不是充实的人生，不自觉的生活也不是没有徬徨的。

人生来必定要有一个目标。 这目标要能够征服自己那个不餍足的心，不然，徬徨自会偷进来，而且不愿离开。 徬徨的结果是苦恼，苦恼的结果是悲观，悲观的结果是生命的结束了。 我不是说这人会结束了自己的生命，但是这人已杀了那个有点意味的「我」了。 没有去路的人会徬徨，去路太多的人也会徬徨。 徬徨是生命转移的关键，你若能征服它，前程就无限，快乐就无穷，可是没有几个人真正地能够征服它。

青年人比较易于徬徨，老年人每尽力规避它。 看来徬徨似乎与感情无关， 实在是一件极不空虚的事，一个不应逃避的问题。

我所说的那个朋友，为什么会徬徨起来呢？ 原来他是沦陷区中受过铁蹄压迫的孩子，爱国的热情并不是低沉。（中国青年人，大多数的感情容易冲动，每每把救国的全责负在自己一个人的肩上。 可是冷冰冰的社会偏使他压死了这条心。）羊城失陷之后，他和其他无数的沦陷区少年一样，没有走进所谓自由空气的大后方，而且还继续读书。 在敌人之下读书，并不是为了愿做奴隶，因为他的爱国心比你我在这离开祖国数千里外的避难所还要强些。 如果有什么值得惭愧的事，你和我应该先要担受。 可是现在他说： “政府下令要学校解散，于是这么多的学生便徬徨起来。 政府连国家未来的柱石也不要了，他们说我们是伪学生，没有资格在真的学校里读书。”

他还寄给我一段剪下来的新闻。 【学生召开大会讨论驱逐办法，及推选代表，请求王校长拒收之外，并联名呈请张特派员，迅速处置。 前日该校七院代表，复在石牌召集大会，通过实行驱逐伪生离校。 本市一般教育界人士，咸望当局对此妥予处理，以免酿成严重后果。】

谁是伪呢？ 我不知道。 我永远都难于了解人称的特有名词。 教育的本意是把恶的改为善，绝不是演架子的场所。 如果连这千万的孩子都不理了，将来他们会有益于社会吗？ 那么出生在铁蹄下的儿女，岂不是无辜地负了永不能消除的罪名么？ 难道我们要回到古代去？

我能想到这班无辜的同胞底痛苦，你可曾知道你也在徬徨中而不自觉吗？ 我不愿唤起使你感到的痛苦，但是你迟早有一天会知道，那时你自内心发出的责备，会使你受到更大的痛苦。 你可曾徬徨过吗？ 如果你在黄昏过后，迷失在密林中，那时就会知道一点类似这徬徨的滋味了。

Wandering In Uncertainty

An eighteen year old friend in Guangzhou wrote a letter telling me he is wandering in uncertainty on a knowingly impassable path, but does not know what to do.

Have you ever felt lost? Perhaps you would ask me in turns how could one feel lost in this fantastical America. I truly admire you, for one who could ask such a question is indeed in bliss. The agony lies in how people are completely not aware of themselves being lost in their boredom. Most of the people running around on the streets seeing no end to their busyness don’t know what they are doing. So a busy life is not a fully enriched life, and an unaware life is not freed of being lost.

A person being born into life should have a goal, and this goal must be able to conquer one’s greedy mind. Otherwise, a sense of uncertainty will sneak in and unwilling to leave. The result of uncertainty is agony; the result of agony is pessimism; and the result of pessimism is the termination of life. I am not saying such a person will end one’s own life, but this person has killed the “I” that is embodied with meanings. Those without a path will become uncertain, and those having too many paths will also be wandering around. A sense of uncertainty is the key factor impacting one’s life. If you can conquer it your future journey will be boundless, and your happiness will be immense. However, not many people can truly conquer it.

Comparatively, young people easily fall into a sense of uncertainty while old people always try their best to avoid it. The sense of uncertainty is seemingly related to emotions, and it really is not just an empty matter. It is a problem we should not avoid.

Why did the friend I mentioned start feeling lost? It turns out he is a child subjugated to the suppression of the iron hoofs of the oppressors in the occupied territory during the war. His passion for patriotism is not shallow. (The emotions of most young Chinese people are inclined to be impetuous. They often take the whole responsibility of recusing the country solely on their own shoulders. But the apathetic society compels to suppress this desire into termination.) After the fall of Guangzhou, he and numerous other youths in the occupied territory did not go to the interior regions with so-called freedom, and they continued going to school. They studied under the enemies not because they want to be slaves, but because their love of the country is stronger than you and I who are in this sanctuary thousands of miles away from our motherland. If there is anything to be shameful of, you and I ought to bear it first. Now he says, “The government ordered the school to dissolve, so many students are feeling lost with uncertainty. The government has abandoned the future upholders of the nation. They said we are puppet students and we are not qualified to study in the real school.”

He also sent me a clipping of newspapers. It reads: “The students held a meeting to discuss the approach to resolve the problem of expulsion. In addition, they selected representatives to appeal for Principal Wang not to accept the order and they jointly petitioned special Envoy Zhang to quickly resolve the problem. The day before yesterday, representatives of seven universities again held a meeting in Shipai and passed a resolution to expel the puppet students from school. Most leading figures in the field of education within the city express their hope for the authority to properly handle this matter to avoid it ending in a grave result.”

Who is a puppet? I don’t know, as I always have difficulty in understanding those special nouns pertaining to human titles. The purpose of education is to transform evil into good; it is not a place to display affectation for being important. If they don’t even care for these tens of thousands of children, would the children be beneficial to society in the future? Then, for those who were born under the iron hoofs, wouldn’t they have to carry the criminal charge without being guilty? Are we returning to ancient times?

I could imagine the pain felt by our innocent fellow countrymen. Have you ever known that you have felt a sense of uncertainty without awareness of it? I don’t want to evoke the pain you feel, but sooner or later you would know one day. By then the reproach from your heart will cause you more pain. Have you ever felt lost? If you were lost in a jungle after sundown, you would know a bit of the similar sense of being panghuang 彷徨¹.