James Poy Wong 黃培正

"Vigorously pursuing eternal peace of mind and embracing the psychology of fear are all the pretexts of human escapism. Without doubt, we all want to avoid adversities and like to take the easy routes regardless where it takes us."

"The Side of Darkness" - 1946

黑暗的一面

有些人害怕黑暗而自杀
有些人在黑暗中看见光明

地球是没有绝对的黑暗，而人却能失去视觉。 黑暗不是鉄般的围墙，不能绝人的去路，只要愿意干下去，还是可以前进的。

上星期五，加大一个毕业女生自杀，动机未明，或者死因并非自杀也未可定，不过这使我想起另一件自杀的事件。

上学期，约在第一试期考后，一个退伍的军人学生 （如果我没有记错的话，他前属海军陆战队。） 在某公园中，用刀片割了自己的颈喉，图谋自杀。 后来被一个童子发觉救回医院里。据说伤势非常严重，有生命的危险。 此后就没有再听到他的不幸消息，我相信他已死了。

在这位青年自杀之前，他曾留下一封遗书，来表白自己自杀的动机，免牵及他人。 他有两个灰色的理由： 第一， 因为成绩不合格，恐怕无法补救了。 第二， 因为眼睛渐渐失明，恐怕有天会变为盲目者。

这位青年曾在海外作战两年以上，而且受过两次的伤。 在我看来，他所受到的肉体创伤，还不过是小事，而且已经治愈。然而他所受的精神创伤，使他无法维持灵魂的完整，终于崩溃，愿意跪在死神的面前，以生命来交换永久的安息。 这种种的事实，都证明他不是一个没有勇气的人，能够以刀片来割自己的颈喉，我相信有这样勇气的人很少。 但是他缺乏持久力，容忍力，毅力，和达观的眼光，满以为只要躺下来就可以解决一切问题，就可以消灭心中的不安。 穷追着永久的安息，和害怕心理，都是我们人类所假托的空想。 无疑的，我们都喜欢避免困难，都喜走容易的路途，勿论所向何处。 我们每天都听着死后的安息，却从没有人说到死的痛苦。 我们不但没有充份地培养自己，来冲破生活的阻力，反而对残废的人，投以不需要的怜悯，故此迫着他们自杀。

但是同时上学期我注意一个人，这个人同样是退伍军人，不同的是他的两只眼睛都瞎了。 学期初，他挽着一只猎犬来引路，有时还有人指导着他。 在学期中间，他不再需要那只狗了。 我看见他数着步伐，我看见他发展着其他的感官。 有一次在图书馆的门前，他站在石阶和士敏土路的接口处，迟疑着深思着，下颚微微地仰着。 我打从钟楼那里下来，止了脚步，观察这个久已为我注意的人。 我知道他想蹈上阶级，然而又未肯定石阶的位置。 我站着不动，欲上前帮助的意念给别一个意念压到。 我看他沈思了三十秒钟以上，卒将右足蹈上阶来，面上现出得意的微笑，我也跟着微笑起来。

学期将完结的时候， 在十字街头，我看见他孤零零的一个，站着听交通讯号的钟声，从容地吸着纸烟，注意过往的车辆和行人声，决定何者为安全讯号， 何者为危险讯号。 他以最大的努力，来发展视觉以外的官能，显然他是成功的。

视力不过是人类许多官能中之一种，我们除了这器官外，还有其他许多未有发展或应用的器官。 犹如一个单眼近视者，专用那只较好的眼睛一样。 盲目的人，触觉，嗅觉，和感觉都特别灵敏。 他们可以 “看见” 正常人所看见的东西，而且还可以 “见” 到平常人看不见的东西。 他们在黑暗的一面中，可以 “看见” 光明，他们的世界并不比平常人的世界少了些什么。

同是一样走向另一个世界，有人感到是最不幸的事，从而毁灭了自己，不愿受人的怜悯。 但有些瞎子却感到依然是充满着生命，一切的存在，不只在于视觉的一线上，只要向前，总是有路可走，坚决地在黑暗中追求光明。

在国家和国际的战争中，在社会团族的仇视下，在人与人间的憎恨猜忌里， 我们虽然是居于黑暗的一面，但是人类不是走向自杀的路的。

我不相信铜钟的激荡不能冲破砲火的响声，我更不相信光明降临时驱不散黑暗的一面。

The Side of Darkness

Some people fear darkness and commit suicide Some people are in darkness but see light

There is no absolute darkness on earth, but people can lose their vision. Darkness is not an iron enclosing wall, and it cannot cut off people’s paths. As long as one is willing to continue, one would still be able to go forward.

Last Friday a female student who is a UC Berkeley graduate committed suicide. Her motive is unclear, or perhaps it is also unknown whether the cause of death is not suicide. However, this event led me to recall another suicidal incident.

Last semester, after the first midterm examination, a veteran student (if I didn’t remember it incorrectly, he had previously served in the Marine) attempted suicide by using a razor blade and cut his own throat in a certain park. He was then discovered by a child and was rescued in a hospital. It was said that the wound was serious and life threatening. Since then I haven’t heard any more of his tragic news, and I believed he already died.

Before this young man committed suicide, he left a suicide note to express the motive of his suicide and to prevent implicating others. He had two pessimistic reasons: First, it was due to the failing grades in his classwork that he was afraid were beyond remedy. Second, his eyesight was gradually approaching blindness, and he feared that someday he would become completely blind.

This young man had been fighting abroad for over two years and was also wounded twice. From my viewpoint, the body wounds that he had were more of a small matter which was moreover healed, but the wounding of his spirit disabled him from maintaining the wholeness of his soul that led to a final collapse. He was willing to kneel in front of the god of Death and exchanged his life for eternal rest in peace. All these facts prove that he was not a person without courage. I believe not many people have the courage to cut their throats with a razor blade. But he lacked endurance, tolerance, perseverance, and a philosophical vision of transcendental positivity. He may have thought that once he laid down, all his problems would be solved and he would be able to eliminate the relentlessness in his heart. Vigorously pursuing eternal peace of mind and embracing the psychology of fear are all the pretexts of human escapism. Without doubt, we all want to avoid adversities and like to take the easy routes regardless where it takes us. Every day we hear about peacefulness after death, but no one ever talks about the agony of death. Not only have we not fully trained ourselves to break through the obstacle of living, but we express the unwanted pity towards the disabled and thus compel them to suicide.

However, at the same time last semester I paid attention to another man who was also a veteran. The difference was that both of his eyes were blind. At the beginning of the semester he was holding a hunting dog as guidance. Sometimes people would help and direct him. By mid semester he no longer needed the guide dog. I saw him counting the steps and developed his other senses. One time at the front of the library, he stood at the intersection between the stone steps and the cement road, hesitating and contemplating. His jaw slightly tilted up. I was coming down from the bell tower and paused my footsteps. Watching this person to whom I had paid attention for a long time, I knew he wanted to take the steps but still was unable to be certain of the position of the steps. I stood still as my desire to go forward to help him was suppressed by another thought. I saw him pondering for more than thirty seconds, and at last, he stepped up with his right foot. A smile with proudness appeared on his face, and I also followed with a smile.

At the end of the semester I saw him alone at a street intersection, standing there and listening to the bell sounds of traffic signals. He was calmly smoking a cigarette while paying attention to the sounds of incoming and going cars as well as pedestrians, and determining what was a safety signal and what was for a dangerous one. With great effort he developed other senses besides the visual one. Apparently he was successful.

Vision is but one of the many sense organs of humans. There are many underdeveloped and underused organs besides the visual one, just like a person with one near-sighted eye would exclusively use the good eye. A blind person has especially acute senses of touch, smell, and emotion. They can “see” what ordinary people can see, and they more so can also “see” what ordinary people cannot see. From within one side of darkness, they can see brightness. Their worlds are not less than the worlds of ordinary people.

As people would go to another world in the same way, some consider that as the most unfortunate matter and thus destroy themselves and are unwilling to be pitied by others. But some blind people feel they are still full of life and that all existence is not just based on the sense of eyesight. As long as one wants to move forward, with determination there is always a way for one to pursue light in the dark.

In the wars among nations and between nations, in the hostility within society and races, in the hatred, suspicion, and jealousy between human beings, we are indeed living in the dark side, but humanity does not take a suicidal direction. I don’t believe the agitation and oscillation of the bell cannot break through the sound of gunfire. Definitely, I further don’t believe that at the time of light’s arrival, it can not dispel the side of darkness.