James Poy Wong 黃培正

"Living amid dreams and contradictions, happiness is but pain because the greatest sorrow of humans is pretending to be wealthy while possessing nothing in reality."

"The Past" - 1947

过去

我们做过了的事情，希望过的东西，住过的地方，到过的场所，用过的物件，和恋爱过的爱人，都刻着我们的痕迹，染着我们的感情，像重重的担子，压在身上，使我们动弹不得。

在静寂的时候，我们开始低声呻吟，在孤独中为遭遇而悲哀，在别人看不见的地方，暗暗地流泪。 别人的一切欢笑和愉快都让自己起反感，于是咀咒起自己来，叹息着不得志的生命，再而残酷地判断，说自己的一切已经完了。

在绝望中，我们也不甘愿自杀，因为没有剧烈的感情刺激，也没有干这勾当的勇气和力量，却只愿慢慢地拖下去，将有限的生命来做这无谓牺牲的代价。

我是富于感情的，在别人快乐的场所，我回想起自己过去的幸福。 这地方我好像到过，或许是梦见过，一切是这样熟习的。 我本来是想把她忘记了，可是人们偏偏向我报告她的近况，他们是知道我和她已经决裂的。 他们也知道我想把过去的遗忘，但是每一件发生的事情，都像一根难断的带子，把我和我的过去紧缚着。

我们回忆及生活在过去中，粉饰着已经死了的事情，因为是过去的，所以不怕失望，也不怕它会破坏。 我们假定了自己在过去的事务中得到安慰，可是又明知自己不快乐。 在这梦中和矛盾中活着，快乐也是痛苦的。 因为人类的最大悲哀，是装着富有而实在是一无所有，犹如一个女子褂铁乳罩装胸一样。 我们把今日生活到昨日中去，对于明天就更加不愿想到。

是的，明天的际遇，是不能预料的，而且会是茫然的。 或许在劳力之后， 得到最菲薄的酬报，受着寒冷，抵着饥饿，禁锁在最黑暗的牢狱中，不能抵抗地让恶势力者鞭苔，更有在人人唾弃中，同志误会中，不能得到最低限度的了解中而死亡。

我们可以嘲笑这些走明天路的人，是生来寻求痛苦的人，但是只有这种人， 才认识真正的快乐，他们的快乐，不是单纯的享受，而是伟大的给与。

实在没有生来寻求痛苦的人，因为痛苦不是人生的目的，快乐却是一个目的。 痛苦的存在不过是因了某种缺陷，越干得多的人，越多机会碰着自己的缺陷，故此也是尝受痛苦最大的人。

我们因为对人生没有目的，和能力不足，而使自己困在不愿走的境地，留恋于过去，或夸耀过去的，不过是逃避现实，或自卫的消极武器。

过去的一切，和错用了的感情和爱情，并不是缠拖着我们的重累，相反的， 是我们缠拖着它不肯放。 回头走的路是光明的，我们应击碎我们用过去回忆所建筑的监牢。

The Past

Like a heavy load pressing on our bodies and immobilizing us, the works we had done, the things we had desired, the places we had lived, the public location we had been, the things we had used, and the one whom we had loved are all inscribed in our traces and permeated with our feelings.

In silent moments, we begin to moan quietly; when we are alone we feel sad about our encounters. At places which cannot be seen by others, we secretly shed tears. All the laughter and joy of others would cause us to feel repugnant, thus we start cursing ourselves, lamenting our unaccomplished and unfulfilled lives, and subsequently, cruelly concluding that all of what we have is coming to an end.

In despair, we are still unwilling to commit suicide because we lack strong emotional incitement as well as courage and strength to do such conduct. So we just want to slowly hang on, taking our finite lives for the price of this meaningless sacrifice.

I am a person full of emotions. In a public location where people are happy, I would remember my own fortune in the past. I remember I have been to this place or have dreamt about it. All of these are so familiar. I have originally intended to forget her, but people deliberately report to me about her recent situations. They know we have been split up and they know I want to forget the past. But all matters that happened is like an unbreakable belt, tightly binding me to my past.

When we remember the past of our lives, we tend to romanticize the things in the past because they have passed so we don’t fear disappointment or detriment from it. We assumed that we had been given comfort from past matters, yet we knowingly perceived that we are not happy. Living amid dreams and contradictions, happiness is but pain because the greatest sorrow of humans is pretending to be wealthy while possessing nothing in reality. It is such as a lady wearing a wired bra to fake a false bosom. Since we take our present life and live in the past, we would certainly not want to think of tomorrow.

It is true. Tomorrow’s encounter is unpredictable, and moreso, it may well be bleak. Perhaps one may receive the lowest wage after one’s labor. One may be enduring coldness, bearing hunger, being locked up in the darkest prison, and vulnerable against the whipping of the evil force. Furthermore, there are those who passed away without obtaining a minimum level of understanding while being abandoned by others and misunderstood by their comrades.

We can ridicule those who take the path of tomorrow as people who were born to seek pain, but only such kinds of people know true happiness. Their happiness is not simply about enjoyment, but a kind of great offering.

In reality, no one is born to seek pain because pain is not the objective of life, while happiness is a goal. The existence of pain is merely due to a certain shortcoming. The more one does, the more chances one would encounter one’s deficiency. Therefore, these are people who suffer the most pain.

Because we have no goal in life and our ability being inadequate, we get stuck in a predicament of not willing to move forward. Our nostalgia for the past or our glorification of the past is but an escape from reality or a passive weapon of self defense.